E3 2019 was a wild time. We got some amazing announcements and new games on the horizon. But, have you ever felt overwhelmed by newly announced games? Maybe you just want to know what is good, before it’s even out. Don’t worry, I got you.
I have done you a kindness. I’ve reviewed nearly every game from E3 in five words or less. This means that you are ready when your friends ask you about the games they should play.
EA Play
Apex Legends: Season 2
Don’t make developers crunch
Battlefield V (Update)
War, war never changes (not)
Fifa 2020
More Balls
Madden NFL 20
Bring back the truck stick
Lost in Random
Hey kids, EA is cool
RustHeart
This robot is my friend
Unannounced Game by Hazelight Studios
Fares-ier
Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order
Leave Kashykk Alone
The Sims 4: Island Living
Eco-friendly colonization
Xbox Briefing
12 Minutes
Live, Die, Get Sad, Repeat
Afterparty
Hells-en-free
Age of Empires II Definitive Edition
RE-RE-REMASTER
Battletoads
I guess
Blair Witch
1990s PT
Bleeding Edge
Edge-y overwatch
Borderlands 2: Commander Lilith and The Fight for Sanctuary
Borderlands 2 had a story?
Borderlands 3
Possibly set at Medieval Times
Crossfire X
War is COOL! Explosions!
Cyberpunk 2077
*Keanu Reeves voice* Cy-ber-punk
Dead Static Drive
That art style though
Dragon Ball: Kakarot
*Goku voice* Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Dying Light 2
AZAB (All Zombies Are Bastards)
Elden Ring
Another Soulsborne is coming
Flight Simulator
Bing Map Simulator
Forza Horizon 4: LEGO Speed Champions
I genuinely love LEGOs
Gears of War 5
The Terminator DLC is lame
Gears POP!
GOTY 2019
Halo Infinite
What if AI, but bad
Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga
This dead horse makes money
Minecraft Dungeons
Diablo, now with less hell
Ori and the Will of the Wisps
Will probably make me cry
Phantasy Star Online 2
…..why?….. How
Project Scarlett
Imagine an Xbone, but better
Psychonauts 2
Double Fine is still good
RPG Time: The Legend of Wright
Good Drawn to Death
Spiritfarer
An owlman plays the violin
State of Decay 2: Heartland
More zombies and heartache
Tales of Arise
Anime chest swords are…. Cool?
The Outer Worlds
Fallout: New Space-gas
Wasteland 3
Old Fallout, but new
Way to the Woods
Must protect deer
Xbox Elite Controller – Series 2
Pro-er controller
Bethesda Showcase
Commander Keen
More like, commander small screen
Deathloop
More like death-poop (I’m sorry)
DOOM Eternal
They gave Doomguy a hookshot
Elder Scrolls Legends: Moons of Elsweyr
Everybody has a CCG
Fallout 76: Nuclear Winter
ToddHoward’s Battleground
Fallout 76: Wastelanders
Never means maybe
Ghostwire: Tokyo
Get ghost raptured
Orion
Everybody has a streaming service!
Rage 2: Rise of the Ghosts
Oh yeah, Rage exists
Elder Scrolls Online: Elsweyr
Dragons make games good
The Elder Scrolls Online: Dragonhold
*Guy in crowd voice* YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
The Elder Scrolls Online: Scalebreaker
*Lady in crowd voice* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The Elder Scrolls: Blades
Nobody wanted this
Wolfenstein: Cyberpilot
Mecha are a deterrent!
Wolfenstein: Youngblood
Young women taking direct action
Devolver Digital Big Fancy Press Conference
Carrion
I feel kinda sick now
Devolver Bootleg
Make more Hotline Milwaukee levels
Enter the Gungeon: House of the Gundead
Wait, is this real?
Fall Guys
The ultimate battle royale experience
My Friend Pedro
What a trustworthy Banana
The Messenger: Picnic Panic
Everybody loves the beach!
UploadVR Presents: The E3 VR Showcase
ABE
Don’t trust that bot
Acorn: Attack of the Squirrels
These squirrels don’t look right
Angry Birds Movie 2 VR
How the mighty have fallen
Arizona Sunshine: The Damned
The Hoover Dam suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks
Asgard’s Wrath
God of Boar
Audica
Beat Saber: Gun
Battlewake
See (In VR) of Thieves
Boneworks: Stress Level Zero
Those arms look really nice
Budget Cuts
Late capitalism, with robots
Budget Cuts 2: Mission Insolvency
Automation didn’t solve our problems
Disciples of Dawn
It’s so dark, when’s dawn?
Doctor Who: The Edge of Time
Let me pet the Dalek
Drunken Bar Fight Special Edition (DLC)
Please, VR responsibly
Echo Arena
Ender’s Game ain’t shit
Espire 1
Stealth Tactical Espionage VR Action
Garden of the Sea
I love that Penguin thing
Golem
This golem better not die
Hotel RnR
FAILED DEMON ROCK STAR SMASH
Lone Echo 2
It’s even echo-ier
Lowfi
Unlicensed Blade Runner car game
Mini Mech Mayhem
Better than Catan, probably
Pistol Whip
Serious Hotline Miami vibes
Pixel Ripped 1989
The best fake Game Boy
Pixel Ripped: 1995
90s graphics were bad, okay
Rogan: The Thief in the Castle
Trailers please, show, not tell
Sairento
Motion sickness ninja simulator
Solaris: Offworld Combat
Literally zero details about this
Spaceteam VR
EVERYBODY SHAKE (YOUR VR HEADSET)
The Curious Tale of the Stolen Pets
Cute as fuck
The Soulkeeper
Medieval brood game on point
The Walking Dead: Onslaught
The franchise that won’t die
Undead Citadel
Please stop with zombies
Until You Fall
New Infinity Blade looks tight
PC Gaming Show
Age of Wonders: Planetfall
Civilization, but with laser dinosaurs.
Ancestors
Spore: Monkey Edition
Atomicrops
Stardew Valley, but more mutants
Auto Chess
In 2019, games play themselves
Chivalry II
MORDHAU BETTER WATCH ITS BACK
Conan Chop Chop
This conan is kawaii
CrisTales
Magical Girl the RPG
El Hijo
Metal Gear Son
Evil Genius 2: World Domination
This is just plain….. evil
Genesis Noir
The Ultimate Space-Time Whodunit
Griftlands
Apocalypse: The Gathering
Last Oasis
It’s like K’Nex but deadly
Maneater
Grand Theft Auto: Shark
Midnight Ghost Hunt
I see ghost chair people
Moons of Madness
Ghosts of Mars: The Game
Mosaic
What if phones, but bad
Mutant Year Zero: Seed of Evil
Trees are fucking dangerous
Phantom Brigade
Fire Emblem: Mechas
Planet Zoo
Please don’t free the lions
Per Aspera
They are even automating planets
Remnant: From the Ashes
Left 4 Stargate
Rune II
Beowulf simulator
Shenmue III
How many forklifts are there?
Solar Ash Kingdom
Hyper Light Skater
Songs of Conquest
Pixelated skeletal armies are neat
Starmancer
Stardew Space Station
Telling Lies
Their Story
Terraria: Journey’s End
They still make Terraria expansions?
The Pathless
Princess Monono— Hawk Lady
The Sojourn
The Witness, but about birthing
Unexplored 2: The Wayfarer’s Legacy
A hella pretty ARPG
Untitled Goose Game
Set loose the goose
Valfaris
*headbangs furiously*
Vampire The Masquerade – Bloodlines 2
These vampires fuck
Warframe: Empyrean
These space ninjas fuck
Warhammer Vermintide II – Versus
Did that rat have a gun?
What the Golf?
Way better than Outlaw Golf
Zombie Army: Dead War 4
I thought Zombies were over?
Kinda Funny Games Showcase
Bloodroots
Cheerful puzzlebox murder
Hamsterdam
This nut muncher can punch
Wave Break
Wave Race with grinding bears
Super Space Club
Enormous flashy Asteroids
An/Round
Really fucked up Pong
A Duel Hand Disaster: Trackher
Particle effects out the wazoo
Looking For Healz
Always tip your healer
One Night Stand
A fun walk of shame
The Inner Friend
“Id” will be really funny
Aground
Survival mechanics galore
Refactor
No one can stop tetrinomino
Pig Eat Ball (Console)
Vomiting pigs are a tool?
Standby (Switch Release)
Hat guy’s gotta go fast
Demagnete
Magnets, how do they work?
Falcon Age (PC)
Dabbing bird fights colonizers
RAWMEN
These boys can cook for me
Solace State
Always hack your ex-lover
Freedom Finger
This finger has Kirby powers
Ribbiting Saga
Adorable pirate frog is good
Wooden Nickel
How the West was fun
Etherborn
Gravity, and skin, get weird
SkateBIRD
These magpies sure can fly
The Gardens Between (Switch Release)
Time is just a suggestion
Renaine
Tonight this byte night fights
Starstruck
Unjammer handy
Sneaky Ninja
Assassinations have never been cuter
Undermine
A mine full of slimes
Monster Prom 2: Holiday Season
Mothman is like super hot
Summer Catchers
My summer wasn’t this cool
Fling To The Finish
Get mad at friends simulator
Gunsport
Windjammers with cyberpunk styyyyyyyle
Lonely Mountains: Downhill
Falling off a bike is brutal
StarCrossed
Magical girl bullet hell
Police Stories
Can we not?
Brave Earth: Prologue
Most likely, really hard Castlevania
Astalon: Tears of the Earth
What a cute beholder
Treachery In Beatdown City
Ron Dümp is a real dick
Tamarin
Cuter than a real Tamarin
Stoneshard
Dungeon crawler meets caravan simulator
Stronghold: Warlords
Great Walls cannot stop flamethrowers
Lucifer Within Us
All hail sci-fi Satan
#Funtime
Geometry Wars: more particle effects
Half Past Fate
500 Days of 8-bit lovers
Superliminal
*Smokes blunt* perspective is weirddddddd
Undying
Last of Us with mom
Castle Storm 2
Castle tower defense autochess
Trials Of Fire
You’ve activated my trap card!
Mare
I want a mechanical bird
Deliver Us The Moon (Console)
Space is fucking scary y’all
Recompile
Hack the digital planet
Foregone
Stab robots, skeletons, and more
Relic Hunters Legend
Some Ducks need a punching
Warborn
Giant robots are cool, okay!?
Lost Ember
I will die for doggo-bird
Adams Ascending
No Man’s Bigass Skeleton
Trigger Witch
THAT WITCH HAS A GUN
Ubisoft Press Conference
Brawlhalla (Adventure Time DLC)
Jake vs. Jake me coward
Ghost Recon: Breakpoint
Let Jon Bernthal pet dogs
Gods and Monsters
Breath of the Greek Canon
Just Dance 2020
FUCK, I SOLD MY WII
Rainbow Six Quarantine
Please, vaccinate your Operators
Rainbow Six Siege (Operation Phantom Sight DLC)
Commissioner Gordon finally ditched Batman
Roller Champions
Wear helmets while skating
The Division 2 (Roadmap)
HEY, DON’T GO PLAY DESTINY
Tom Clancy’s Elite Squad
Generic ass soldier gatcha
Watch Dogs Legion
Elderly lady energy is powerful
Square Enix
Avengers
This is so fucking Bootleg
Battalion 1944: Eastern Front
FACEIT, WW2 is played out
Circuit Superstars
Little tiny baby pit crew
DRAGON QUEST XI S: Echoes of an Elusive Age
The one with bad music
Final Fantasy VII Remake
The prettiest midgar EVER
Final Fantasy VIII Remastered
A lot of hot dogs
Final Fantasy XIV Online: Shadowbringers
Is this Kingdom Hearts now?
Final Fantasy: Brave Exvius Collection
Come “Gacha” some Final Fantasy
Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles
An exciting bucket management sim
Kingdom Hearts III: Re – Mind
This will not resolve anything
Octopath Traveler (PC/Console Release)
You will never finish this
Oninaki
Chibi ghost hunters, the game!
Outriders
Was that a Destiny warlock?
Romancing Saga 3 & SaGa Scarlet Grace: Ambitions
Y’all like JRGS, right?
The Last Remnant Remastered
My brain erased this game
Dragon Quest Builders 2
Anime minecraft returns!
Nintendo
Alien Isolation (Switch)
Shit your space pants, again
Animal Crossing: New Horizons
Finally, the fruit auto-stacks
Astral Chain
Mecha persona, by Platinum
Cadence of Hyrule
Make Zelda playable more often!
Collection of Mana
The mad lads did it
Contra Collection
Always choose Browny
Contra: Rogue Corps
Hopefully better than Neo Contra
Daemon X Machina
Too mecha anime 4 u
Dauntless (Switch)
Hunt monsters on the go
Dead by Daylight (Switch)
Those textures are scary
Empire of Sin
A TRPG you can’t refuse
Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Harry Potter with more murder
Hollow Knight: Silksong
I already broke my controller
Link’s Awakening
The only Zelda with Goombas
Luigi’s Mansion 3
Bow down to Gooigi
Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games
Let us see Sonic’s feet
Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3: The Black Order
Squirrel girl or bust
New Super Lucky Tale (Switch)
Character platformers are back, bay-bee
Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch Remastered
Where is this boy’s mom?
No More Heroes 3
Travis touchdown jerks it again
Panzer Dragoon (Switch)
That dragon looks fucked
Pokemon Sword & Shield
Everybody horny for gym leaders
Resident Evil 5 (Switch)
A kinda competent Resident Evil
Resident Evil 6 (Switch)
No one asked for this
Settlers of Catan (Switch)
SOMEONE TAKE MY FUCKING SHEEP
Spyro Trilogy (Switch)
Spyro really uh… kills folks
Stranger Things 3: The Game
Your favorite 80s game design
Super Mario Maker 2
Play my kaizo death trap
Super Smash Brothers Ultimate (The Hero DLC)
Yay…. another anime sword fighter………
Super Smash Brothers Ultimate (Banjo-Kazooie DLC)
A toxic, co-dependent relationship.
The Dark Crystal: The Age of Resistance Tactics
Relive your childhood nightmares!
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (Untitled Sequel)
Fans can make anything horny
The Sinking City
Please go to the dermatologist
The Witcher 3: Complete Edition (Switch)
The Witcher 3…. at 540p
Trials of Mana
JRPGs are en vogue again
Other
Creature in the Well
Badass pinball
Persona 5 Royal
Still can’t play a girl
Scavengers
Improvise, Adapt, Kill Mutants
Greetings From 